I’ve been angry and resentful for the latter part of the year. I haven’t spent a lot of time looking back and congratulating myself for the amazing things that I’ve accomplished, nor have I looked back and felt thankful for the people that have entered, stayed and left my life.
A lot of things went right this year, no matter how rough I thought this year was for myself. I am thankful and I feel blessed for everything that’s come my way. I’ve grown up quite a bit over this year— and it’s weird coming into my own as a person. I am saddened to discover that I am conforming to this selfish 20something persona, but I’m not devastated. It’s natural that I think more about myself, where I’m going, what I’m doing with my life: Things have to revolve around me because at this point in my life, I’m the most important person to myself. I forget that a lot of the time, and I don’t spend a lot of my free time loving myself. I’ve resolved to change that in 2014.
I’m thankful for my friends and family, for their support through this year, for helping me grow as a person. The more I age, the more I realize how introverted I’ve become. (Or perhaps I was like this all along? It just manifests itself differently with more “free” time.) My father says I appear standoffish and distant from those around me, but half of the time I’m spacing out, and the other half I am either too shy or too uncomfortable to really interact with people I don’t know. I am the type of person who takes awhile to warm up to people, but once you get me out of my shell— I’m fucking crazy and all over the place (but I’m fun, so there, hah!) I am blessed to have friends who understand that, but also understand that I need a lot of time to recharge and retreat because a lot of my “busy” time involves interacting with others and takes up a lot of my energy. I love you all more than you’ll ever know.
The things that went wrong mainly revolved around my romantic life. I’m not complaining— admittedly, I am just someone who is built around being in serious relationships, and I’m happy to have learned that this year. The funny thing is that the majority of my romantic mishaps are caused by issues with communications and apathy. I have learned (and I’m still in the process of learning) so much about myself and others over the past year. Every moment counts, but sometime it’s not the right time for you to be with someone. Dating is a lot about timing. When it’s not about timing, it’s about a mutual understanding and respect for one another. When you’re not in a similar place [as the other person], things fall apart fast. You will hurt each other, and more importantly, you will hurt yourself in the process. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to understand the other person– it is difficult to really put yourself in their shoes unless you’re in the same place in life. Sometimes that’s just the way life works. The timing has to be right, and things have to fit in place.
Sometimes it’s about letting shit just happen. I am a control freak about most of my life because I’m scared as hell about the unknown. Sometimes I hurt myself in order to get the fastest results, but I gotta be patient and (cue George Michael) I gotta have faith. I also have to remember to love myself because the best people will understand how great you are, no matter the circumstances. I don’t need to keep convincing people that I’m a great person: they can figure it out on their own. I’ve learned that liking someone also means that they like you back: there’s no point in wasting precious time on someone who doesn’t hold you in the same regard. The best people will love you no matter what.
In 2014, I hope I can learn and grow more. I hope I’m heading down a good path, and I hope things are gonna go my way. If 2013 wasn’t THAT bad, I hope 2014 is just as beautiful. I wouldn’t take back this year for anything.